How to Drive in Massachusetts

I am not a driving instructor. Nor do I claim to be. I am simply a life-long resident of this great state, who knows that you have to drive like a complete douchebag to get anywhere. There’s a reason we’re called Massholes.

1) All turns should be made from the opposite lane. Especially if there are 2 lanes turning right, make sure you take the right turn from the left-most lane. People love this. They’ll always let you in.

2) See #1. This technique is especially effective when you’re on one of our many fine rotaries, or traffic circles or roundabouts to some of you. When you need to exit the rotary, make sure you are in the innermost lane. This is your gift to other drivers, keeping them on the ball.

3) Next. Highway driving. When you are driving in the right hand lane on the highway and you are nearing an exit on-ramp, be sure to speed up to prevent another driver from getting onto the road easily. This will ensure that they see you as the boss of the slow lane.

4) On the other hand, if you’re trying to get on the highway, pay no mind to who’s driving in the right slow lane. They will move for you. Of course.

5) On the highway, when you pass someone, be sure to look at them as you go by. They like to see you, and may congratulate you on being the faster driver. Nice work!

6) When you are behind someone at night, it is common courtesy to drive extremely close to them. So close that they can’t see your headlights. No one wants this unnecessary glare. You are doing them a huge favor.

7) Yield doesn’t mean stop or let someone else go. It’s just meant to look pretty. Everyone likes red and white signs.

8 ) When you are exiting the highway, if the exit you take is normally backed up, don’t be crazy enough to wait in the right lane. That’s for slowpokes and less important people. You should just drive as you normally would, and then when you get within a few hundred yards, move over to exit. They’ll let you go. So what if they may have been waiting for 20 minutes in line? You need to get off. It’s not a big deal.

9) Despite all my tips, if you suddenly find yourself driving and it starts to drizzle, or worse, slightly rain or flurry, slow down to a crawl, swerve all over the road and hold up traffic as best as you can. Keep the road at a standstill. You’ve done your part to ensure highway safety.

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