Sometimes I don’t. I love these 2 little girls more than anything, and could never say one is my favorite. They are as different as night and day.
The problem is…my actions definitely do often favor one of my girls.
M is 5. Abs is 2. Obviously very different stages, very different abilities, very different expectations. I expect M to understand what I say to her, and I expect her to listen, at least occasionally. When she doesn’t, I feel it’s because she chooses not to. It’s so easy to dismiss Abby’s tantrum or screaming or fussing as her being 2.
It’s so easy, but it’s not fair.
Over the past few months, I’ve noticed this more. My patience is lower when I expect my voice to be heard. She listens to everyone else. She always listens to her teacher, she always listens to her grandparents. They don’t have to ask her to do anything twice. Me? I would love to only have to ask her only twice to do something.
One morning, she and her sister were playing while I was still in bed, awake, and they started fighting and fussing. My first inclination was to be short and accusatory with M. I started the morning by acting nasty. Though I can’t remember the issue, I know my reaction was not deserved.
This was the first time Joe pointed it out, too.
It made me feel like shit, but he was right. My first reaction was to snap at M, then I did a Jekyll/Hyde switch and was as sweet as pie to Abs. It made me think, and I realized I had probably been overly hard on her for a while, but not as aware.
After all, she’s a young child. Just because she’s older than her younger sister, it doesn’t mean she is old. She’s certainly not mature. She’s 5 years old, and acts like it. Why are my expectations different? Abs is old enough to begin to understand when she is acting out, too. Why do I always give her the free pass?
Then, the kicker. M asked me, “Why are you always so nice to Abby and not me?”
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. From that point, I have tried so hard to make the extra effort to stop and remind myself that she is acting her age, and that is ok. It doesn’t make it wrong to discipline her, but I really need to pick my battles carefully. No child wants to clean up, eat her vegetables, get ready for bed. Having to work on these with her is a normal part of growing up, not something that should upset me.
Not every issue can be resolved with a time out. I can say the same words softly as I can by yelling them. I’m trying. I would hate for more than anything for her to grow up feeling like I had one more ounce of love for her sister than I do for her, because it is just so untrue.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
In my observations, the kindergarten / 1st grade girl is a bit difficult to get along with. My own newly 6yo is has extremely selective hearing as well. It is frustrating, I find myself saying to her, “I know you can hear me because I’m only 2 feet away”. She claims to want to have more say over her life, but still refuses to take the steps to make that happen. I am sometimes at a loss as to how to get through to her, especially on the days when it seems like she has balked at everything I’ve told her all day long.
I posted something my 4 year old daughter said the other day about family being mad at her, it’s the comluv link
Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts
It’s a tough to not expect more from one kid. Even with twins mine are so markedly different from each other that I find myself communicating or favoring one a lot. Thanks for the reminder to be conscious of how I act towards them.
Kate, aka guavalicious´s last blog ..Big Wheels Keep On Turning
Awwww. (((huggs)))I think we all go through this. My daughter is 8 and scary intelligent. I find myself sometimes forgetting she is only 8 and I expect more adult behavior from her then she is capable of giving. I snap at her, then I feel like a total failure as parent. lol
As long as we know what we are doing we can correct it. But parenthood is a constant learning experience and I am YEARS away from ever getting my degree.
ggs_closet´s last blog ..WTH Wednesday-In Everything There Is Beauty
Ma’am? Thank you. thank you for posting this. I have so caught myself doing the same, and have had to work on it as well. It made me feel better to know that I am not alone, and other struggle with this as well.
sara@domesticallychallenged´s last blog ..What I meant to say Wednesday
Wait till they’re even older. I have caught myself doing this w/ my 12 & 7 yr olds as well. You’d think by now I would know better. Oddly enough though the teen reacts just as the 5 yr old does.
Sues2u2´s last blog ..Man, I can’t stop! & this is all about the show 16 & pregnant (good though)
oh you read my mind!! i am struggling with the same thing right now. i have a 7 year old boy, 5 year old girl, 15 month girl, and expecting another the end of August. the older two are stepchildren, but we have them fulltime.
though they don’t voice it, i sometimes find myself worried that i am favoring my OWN children over my stepchildren. it is something i would never do intentionally, but i also feel that the age difference requires more structure.
i read something the other day that made me feel so much better about the job i am doing/have done with them. “Bad parents never WORRY if they are being bad parents.” The fact that we are worried about giving our children a good life means that we are trying and willing to change. It is a neverending struggle, but they are so so worth it
Thanks for your post today. Its nice to hear that someone has a similar struggle, and is successfully working on it!!
Breanna´s last blog ..Word of the Day Calendar… well, sort of…
I struggle with this, too. My oldest two boys are just shy of 17 months apart. Yet, I expect my oldest to know better, listento me, and be good. They can both do the same thing and it’s my oldest who gets in trouble for it.
It’s hard being a mama.
Shell´s last blog ..Post-its: Will These Make Sense in the Morning?
I have been struggling with this since the baby was born. It is harder for me so i think Nate should listen, even though he wasn’t listenikng before she came. I just feel like he is knowingly being defiant and that is what gets me! You’re right though, they notice if you are yelling at them and then being sweet to the other one. I just have to work on my patience in general.
Kameron´s last blog ..Go see "Biego" Go!
Ow, ow, ow. I felt your pain when she told you that. I have a similar thing with my kids; didn’t think I’d done this, but definitely labeled them as “difficult girl” and “mellow boy”. Good for you for deciding to pick your battles; I’m gonna try that
dusty earth mother´s last blog ..A Difficult (But Still Entertaining) Conversation
I understand and feel your struggle… I have two boys that are only about 15 months apart and one has special needs… it is hard to explain to them that you actions are not because you love them less or differently… but because they are each unique kids who need unique solutions. Best wishes.
You know how I know you are a good Mama, because you are worried about being a good Mama. Deep breath and hugs. They know they are loved:)
ModernMom´s last blog ..My BFF is Buying Boobs!
I can totally appreciate your honesty…and I can TOTALLY relate too!
Ouch! Her question to you stung, huh? I love your honesty and that you recognized it and are making changes. What a wonderful post that every mom can benefit from.
I have felt exactly the same way. I try never to let it show, but although I love them both to pieces, sometimes I do like one better than the other. The good news is that which child is my favorite changes several times a day, so hopefully, it will even out and they will both grow up feeling loved. This mommy business is hard.
Meg at Demanding Joy´s last blog ..Tall Time
I am going through the same thing with my two girls. B is 8 and G is 5. I constantly find myself having a rougher tone of voice with B than w/ G. I have been consious of it for about 2 years and as hard as I try, I just cannot seem to treat them both “the same”. They are SO different, I mean like night and day. I was an only child so when the two of them fight & argue it tweeks my nerves. B has asked me why I am always cuddling with G and I tell her it’s because G “wants” me and B is at an age right now that she only “wants” me when it’s convenient for her. I have read the book “The 5 love languages” and I just found out they have an edition out for children also, so when I get back from vacation I am going to read that book right away. I want to be able to show them in their own love language that I love each of them as much as the other. They will have enough to compete with in this world as they grow older, I need them to know they don’t have to compete for me.
Traci´s last blog ..Surfing Vacation Tips: How to Score Waves on Your Surfing Trip
I’m noticing a similar pattern in my own house. It’s not so much that my expectations are higher for my oldest son, but rather they seem to be lower for my youngest. Why? Well because in contrast to his older brother he still seems so young, more of a baby than his brother was at the same age. I wonder how my lower expectations will affect him in the long run. Perhaps I should be expecting to reach milestones at the same age his big brother did, but I don’t, I just wave it off and say he’ll get there in his own time. I wonder if this has a reverse affect.
All that to say, try not to beat yourself up. Of course you expect more from her and I don’t think that’s unhealthy in itself. Maybe it’s more about how you communicate those expectations. (Every once in a while, I “discipline” my one year old with stern words – okay well not so stern, but stern enough, just so that his older brother can see that we expect certain behaviours even from the little one). It probably does nothing for the 1-year-old, but I’m hoping it sends the message to the 3-year-old that the house rules are for everyone. i.e. Share, don’t yell inside, no hitting. (Surprising how much of this a 1 year old does!)
Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Meet my neighbour
I’ve been wondering about this very thing. My kids are very close in age, but their personalities are SO DIFFERENT. I do expect different things out of them, but I hope that the way I treat each of them evens out in the long run. Maybe?
You took the thoughts out of my head on this one. I’m seriously struggling lately with H (5). I know I expect more from her… but shouldn’s we? Shouldn’t they know better than a 2 year old? I know she thinks how I treat her is unfair compared to L (22 mo) but I remind her that when she was that little, I treated her the same as I treat L. She’s been FREAKING out lately over the smallest things and I know she’s just vying for my attention but I can’t drop everything for her little drama episodes. At the same time though, I need to remember (as you so well stated) that she’s still so little and still learning and needs to know she is just as loved as her little brother.
Great post!
becca´s last blog ..Guilt Ridden
I’m SO glad you wrote this! I was beginning to think that I subconsciously did favor one over the other! This is exactly what we go through with our 6 and 3 yr olds.
Messy Mommy´s last blog ..friday fragments & follow
Try having a 9 year old and an 18 month old. I always expect so much from the oldest and of course I baby the baby and the 4 year old as well sometimes. So poor Ariana just gets the shit deal all the time. But I do console myself with the fact that Ariana got to enjoy only child/spoiled status for 5 full years. It is just so hard to balance it in your head when your emotions take over.
Michele´s last blog ..My Own Marriage Refs
I do the same thing with my oldest. But I think the best thing is you’ve noticed this. Now you can try to do something about it.
Great post. I think many of us can relate.
Zen Mom´s last blog ..Silly Walk Central
I feel as though this post was written for me. My 5 year old daughter and 2 year old daughter are polar opposites. I love them both equally, but I find myself having more patience with the 2 year old. You are so correct when you say they are just acting their ages. Thanks for the reminder.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I think it’s normal for one child to push your buttons a little more than other. For me it’s my youngest, and she’s not even 2. But she acts out in ways her brother would have never dreamt of (until she demonstrates, of course). I often catch myself expecting too much of her and maybe not enough of the oldest–like I average their ages and treat them both as if they’re two and a half. We all do it, but the important thing is that we’re mindful and rein it in when we catch ourselves.
Growing up, I was the one who got favored a lot, and honestly that was no picnic either. I was probably MORE afraid of letting my parents down, since they assumed I’d always do everything right, and I HATED having my brother and sister resent that I got (or that they percieved I got) special treatment when there was nothing I could do to control it.
I think one of the best parts of blogging as parents is that it gives us the opportunity to look at how we’re doing it, evaluate, get feedback and support, and make changes we can feel good about and share with others in similar situations. I really think having this “virtual mirror” makes me a better mom, even if it’s sometimes hard to look at, and I really appreciate when others have the courage to publicly look at themselves, too!
Loooong story short, keep up the great work!
Deb´s last blog ..Bullsh*t duty
First of all, try not to feel bad or too guilty. I think we all do this sometimes. I often yell at my 4 year old when I shouldn’t. I know it’s bad, and it makes me feel bad. I also yell at my 2 year old when he does something bad or when he doesn’t listen. I hate when my boys fight with one another! I hate having to break up fights… both of them getting upset… it’s not fair on them. It depends on the situation, too. My 4 year old can go anywhere – restaurants, flying, etc – and be perfectly perfectly well-behaved, but not so much with my 2 year old… they are at different stages, so we should expect different behaviours and we should be able to treat each situation differently, you know? Easier said than done, right?
Loukia´s last blog ..I can see clearly now
Oh how I get it. ME TOO. I get so much more frustrated with my older child. They have really different personalities. My youngest just listens more easily. He’s more even-tempered. He’s all, “OK MOMMY.” While my oldest is all “I DON’T WANT TO” (and he’s always been that way.) I love them equally too, and I struggle with not showing that. I’m working on it, too. I think there’s pressure in a first time around kind of way too. With our first, we’re just navigating how to do this…we get more uptight about behavior because we’re afraid we’re raising a monster. Then their behavior changes, they mature, and we see that it was going to be okay all along. Then we don’t struggle so much with the next child in the same stage.
What I’ve realized lately is that there’s another layer to this that’s a bit…profound? I don’t know if that’s the right word. I just realized I hold a belief I didn’t know was there the other night. And I can’t even begin to imagine how this belief effects how I react/respond/treat my oldest. THE PRESSURE. I’m being cryptic because I’m working on a post about it and I haven’t even found the words to describe it yet. so I probly should have just not written this whole unexplained paragraph
Heather of the EO ´s last blog ..Hurts so good