Lately I’ve been wondering what I want to do when my kids are in school full time. I’ve always assumed I’d go back to work, but started thinking more about it. There will still likely be a few hours between school and work quitting time, what do I do with the kids then? What if they play sports or activities and need rides?

We always agreed on the “Year of Lynette” Once both girls are in school for the full day, I’d have a year to collect myself…get in great shape, read a ton, organize the house, take classes, shower daily. Whatever. One year and then back to work.

This weekend, I asked Joe, “Hypothetically…what if I didn’t go back to work when Abs is in school for the full day?”

He answered me with three words.

“Martha. Fucking. Stewart.”

Like martini in hand, here are your slippers, look at my perfectly coiffed hair and beautiful dress with apron…perfect lipstick.

I explained my rationale for the question, since it never really came up as an option before. We both get it. There will always be times when one of the girls is sick, and with both of us working, someone will always have to take time off. What about things that happen during school? Conferences, plays, etc. Who will meet them at the bus stop?

One thing is for sure…if I did decide to continue staying home, Joe’s right. There can be no excuses. Our house should be clean, meals should be cooked. Stuff should get done. I do understand that…but am I ready for that to become my full-time job?

I feel like a kid again, trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. My most recent jobs have in Human Resources, but do I want to do that again? I have never had a job that suggested they’d give any sort of flexibility (in fact, I left a job that I loved because I couldn’t leave 15 minutes early to get my daughter from daycare.)

So here I sit again…feeling like I’m back at square one. But almost 20 years older than when I first started pondering what I want to do with my life…and with 2 little ones that need to come first.

If you stay home, what are your plans?

Sometimes I don’t. I love these 2 little girls more than anything, and could never say one is my favorite. They are as different as night and day.

The problem is…my actions definitely do often favor one of my girls.

M is 5. Abs is 2. Obviously very different stages, very different abilities, very different expectations. I expect M to understand what I say to her, and I expect her to listen, at least occasionally. When she doesn’t, I feel it’s because she chooses not to. It’s so easy to dismiss Abby’s tantrum or screaming or fussing as her being 2.

It’s so easy, but it’s not fair.

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed this more. My patience is lower when I expect my voice to be heard. She listens to everyone else. She always listens to her teacher, she always listens to her grandparents. They don’t have to ask her to do anything twice. Me? I would love to only have to ask her only twice to do something.

One morning, she and her sister were playing while I was still in bed, awake, and they started fighting and fussing. My first inclination was to be short and accusatory with M. I started the morning by acting nasty. Though I can’t remember the issue, I know my reaction was not deserved.

This was the first time Joe pointed it out, too.

It made me feel like shit, but he was right. My first reaction was to snap at M, then I did a Jekyll/Hyde switch and was as sweet as pie to Abs. It made me think, and I realized I had probably been overly hard on her for a while, but not as aware.

After all, she’s a young child. Just because she’s older than her younger sister, it doesn’t mean she is old. She’s certainly not mature. She’s 5 years old, and acts like it. Why are my expectations different? Abs is old enough to begin to understand when she is acting out, too. Why do I always give her the free pass?

Then, the kicker. M asked me, “Why are you always so nice to Abby and not me?”

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. From that point, I have tried so hard to make the extra effort to stop and remind myself that she is acting her age, and that is ok. It doesn’t make it wrong to discipline her, but I really need to pick my battles carefully. No child wants to clean up, eat her vegetables, get ready for bed. Having to work on these with her is a normal part of growing up, not something that should upset me.

Not every issue can be resolved with a time out. I can say the same words softly as I can by yelling them. I’m trying. I would hate for more than anything for her to grow up feeling like I had one more ounce of love for her sister than I do for her, because it is just so untrue.

Today is President’s Day, a holiday for some in MA. It means Joe is working from home. Usually, today included, this is a happy occurrence. We can go upstairs and say ‘hi’, he can come down for lunch, I can usually weasel in a shower with him watching the girls. All good things.

So why am I dreading him coming downstairs? Because, for much of the day, I follow the bare minimum approach to playing with the girls. We color, we may watch a show or two (or four, but who’s counting?) and we read. They are usually pretty easy to occupy. When Joe sees the girls coloring happily, he isn’t content. He asks them if they want to finger paint instead. If he sees them eating a snack, he asks if they want to help him mix a messy recipe. If they are content to play at home, he asks where they want to go. Watching a show quietly? He asks if the show they are watching is ok. Do they want to watch something else? Something better?

No! No they do not!

It’s a constant source of argument. On my end. All he is doing is trying to make sure they are having fun. Of course, I want they girls to enjoy themselves. When they get bored, we do something else. When they are no longer entertained by their current project? Sure, time to break out the paint or PlayDough. But when they are playing trains together or doing something that requires absolutely no interaction from me? It is NOT the time to suggest I play a game with them. They will always let me know when I’m not paying enough attention to them.

When there is more than one option that keeps the girls happy, you have to be nuts to choose the more complicated activity. Finger paints, smocks, table completely covered in mess or crayons and paper? Not a tough choice!

I’ve had Joe people argue that I’m not stimulating them enough, letting them play with messy projects or getting dirty. I get it. But it’s not my neat freak ways that make me behave this way. It’s my craving for peace and quiet. When we have it, I’m happy. I don’t need to raise high maintenance kids who are always looking for something to do that’s a bit more fun than something they’re already doing? My kids would be much less happy if I was stressing all the time about making sure they’re having fun!

Then, of course, you see photos like these, where the kids are clearly having a blast. And, for a fleeting moment, I consider giving my kids a paintbrush. And, then the moment’s gone…