I am definitely the meanie disciplinarian in our house, and J is the cool parent. Sure, sometimes I’m cool, and sometimes I’m fun, but he never, ok, rarely, disciplines the girls or tells them when they are doing something wrong. In fact, he often encourages behavior, albeit fun stuff, that I eventually have to put a stop to or forbid. He riles them up at bedtime and then makes the Debbie Downer ‘Wa-waaaa’ sound when I suggest they need to calm down. He tells M how good a jumper she is when she flies off the couch. Guess who has to step in and tell her that, while she is an amazing jumper, it is not safe or acceptable to do so? “Wa-waaaaa,” says my 4 y/o. That’s nice. Guess who taught her that?

This weekend, J hit a new low in making me look like the bad guy. He was singing a song and was trying to teach M the words. He’d sing, then she’d copy. Really cute. Before he realized it, ‘Damn’ slipped out of his mouth. Part of the song, yes, but not necessarily something we want her repeating. You know how he blamed me corrected this? “M, I don’t think Mommy likes you saying that word.” Excuse me, do YOU like her saying that word? Say it with me, ‘We’ – “We don’t really like that word.” It’s only one small syllable. I know I’ve heard him say it before. “We think you should step away from that large snake.” “We would like you to stop painting your sister.” It’s not difficult. It puts some of the blame on me, and even when it it is completely undeserved, I’m ok with it.

There was also the mountain of pillows that she wanted to try to balance on – on the couch – that I had to outlaw. How about the “Fart, fart, poop, poop” song that J thinks is hilarious to teach a child while I am trying to teach her about proper behavior? Last night, she showed me that she could jump from one bed to another. “Daddy taught me!” Of course he did. It’s a great trick. It looks like fun. Did Daddy see that you almost missed the bed and jumped head first into the dresser? Doubt it.

Pretty much the story of my life. I’m the Fun-sponge. I suck the joy out of everything. “Mommy says no.” “Mommy doesn’t like you doing that.” “Mommy said matches and knives are dangerous.” Mommy sounds like a big old wet blanket. Waa-Waaaaaa.

I’m not a very routine person. I certainly see the value in having a plan, but not in any sort of rigid, inflexible schedule. With one exception.

Bedtime.

We don’t really eat at the same time each day. We don’t do activities on any schedule. But, come 6:30pm, General Mommy is in the house, and you’d better fall in line. Daddy – that means you, too! J gets home pretty late, and often misses the masterpiece that is my bedtime ritual, but when he is, he’d better step aside! I’m actually quite surprised that he doesn’t drive around aimlessly from the hours of 6:30-7:30, as he knows I’ll be stern-faced, militant and constantly barking orders at anyone around me. It’s all about multi-tasking and efficiency. But he is just dying to see the girls, so I have to cut him some slack. Some.

M is picking her bedtime story and putting on PJs while I am changing Abs. Then they head to the bathroom, brush teeth, use potty, wash hands. Water cups are filled and special stuffed animals are in hand. We read the story. M gets into her bed, we do the 16 step handshake (yes, I’m totally serious) and I lay Abs down in her crib. Sound machine on. Done. I leave. Ok, so I might have to say “Goodnight, best friend” 5 or 6 times, but that’s beside the point…

There is absolutely no variation allowed in the this routine. I have been with the girls all day, and now I want to be with J or alone…This routine has been reviewed, tweaked and reevaluated to get to the point we’re at today. I can get the girls into bed, from start to finish, in 20 minutes or less.

However…my ‘wrench’, as I lovingly call him, doesn’t always see the value in my routine. If he comes home before bedtime, the routine changes…though I fight it tooth and nail. It goes something like this…

Up to bedroom…airplane ride!!!…”Oh, you didn’t brush your teeth?”…”Hide and seek? Sounds great!”…”You want 3 stories? Of course that’s ok!”…”So, did you brush your teeth?”…”L, did you have a bad day? You seem stressed.”…”No, great day, but the girls should have been asleep 20 minutes ago”…”So, girls, want to watch the Goodnight Show?”…pull on covers…”Wait, you need your pajamas on”…

And then the same argument from me…this is my work day, you are making my work day longer…no matter how much I love being with these girls all day, I want time without them…yada yada yada…

I guess I could just leave the room when the bedtime party begins…but I’m afraid they’d be up playing until 10!!